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she's clearly a sullen oddity
apathetically unappealing
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20th-Mar-2011 10:31 am - Why, Hello there!
I startilingly (is that a word?) received a comment this morning on a post that I'd written back in '05 and it brought me back to the LJ world to investigate. It was a touching comment, and of course I always appreciate hearing from folks who read this journal, but it made me think that maybe I should let those of you who care know about my new blog I started just a couple weeks ago about things I'm learning in recovery from my eating disorder and chemical dependency. Ultimately I am writing it to remember these things for myself and keep myself on a good path, but I hope that others can learn something from it too (the "take what you can use and leave the rest mentality").

here it is:

and here's the update on me:
I just had 4 years sober earlier in March and am almost at 3 1/2 years without symptoms from the eating disorder. I'm active on the national general service board for EDA and sponsor other women when they ask me. I graduated in '09 and have been working ever since... not in great jobs, in fact I loathe them but they pay the bills. I re-took the GRE, greatly improved my score, and am waiting once again to hear from grad schools; I've got 2 left to hear from. If I don't get in I'm assessing my other options for my life. I'm thinking about law school, getting my teaching license, and/or opening a sober house for women in recovery from eating disorders & chem dep. Thomas and I are still together, 2 1/2 years, we have an apartment he is going to school at the U of MN. Marriage talk is in the future, but won't be for a while because he had a relapse six months ago and I put my foot down that he needs to have significant clean time before marriage becomes an option. Overall, life is good. MUCH better than when I was in the eating disorder.

So, yeah, check out my new blog if you'd like and I hope everyone is doing well and that life has brought the happiness you all deserve.

xoxo, jenni
8th-Jan-2010 06:44 pm(no subject)
leap of faith
So it's almost been a month at my new job with the State. It's going well, and I think they like me. I enjoy the work for now, but it's definitely not a long time deal. I couldn't be an admin assistant for the rest of my life.... I like making spreadsheets as much as the next person, but no thanks.

I'm thinking about going to law school. I know i'll hate it in the short term, but there's SO much stuff you can do with a law degree and I think I'd do really well on the LSAT. I mean, of course I'll have to study but the things on the LSAT are stuff I'm good at (unlike the GRE which is merely memorizing words and learning math). We'll see what happens.

So I'm still messaging with Naima. I backed out of our phone call and messaged her again saying that I wasn't ready to talk to her. She was respectful of that. The messaging is going well... I've gotten to say a lot of things that I've needed to say and she's filled me a bit on what she's been going through. we'll see what happens.

I'm wanting to lose weight. I know I've been saying that in my (infrequent) posts on here, but I'm still moving towards an "implementation" phase of my plan to be healthier. Right now I'm working hard on 1. not obsessing about it 2. making small changes in what I eat each day and 3. being even just a little more active each day than I have been. I'm talking with a guy from the YMCA on monday to discuss a 'personal payment plan' with them so I wouldn't have to pay full price.

yeah... that's my life in a nut shell. nothing too exciting. I guess that's what happens when you grow up.
18th-Dec-2009 06:47 am(no subject)
um... So does anyone who still bothers to look at my journal remember Naima? The girl who in short destroyed my world back in '04 and sent me spiraling into a depressed,bulimic, haze?

She just messaged me on facebook.

I don't know what to say to her.
8th-Apr-2009 05:51 pm - hm..
Thomas got a call yesterday from his doctor back in Madison.

He tested positive for Hepatitis C.

That's not uncommon for former (or current) IV-drug users, but he was pretty shook up. He was scared to death to tell me. He kept asking me if I was angry or if I was going to leave him because of it.

I told him that of course I'm not going to leave him. Just because he has Hep C it doesn't change how I feel about him. And I couldn't figure out a reason why I would be angry.

Hep C isn't sexually transmitted, only blood to blood. And even if by some chance he did bleed on an open wound of mine there would still only be a minor chance I could get it because air kills the virus. IV-drug users get it so often because the blood gets stuck in the needle (so doesn't touch the air) and then goes directly into the other person's vein.

For right now he's not going to do anything for it. His liver is fine (the virus attacks the liver over time), and his doctor doesn't recommend that he do the treatment right now anyway because its so hard on the body.

I swore to him that I wouldn't tell anybody, so I decided I needed to come on here and let it out.


My good friend Laura relapsed last week on meth. She drove for over an hour to where she used to live so she could shoot up for almost 36 hours. Thankfully she was honest with StepUP after she got back. Sadly, they had to kick her out because of it, but she's still living in our building, just on a floor with "normal" students. I've really been trying to help her since she came back. She doesn't want to keep using so I just want to be there to help her. She's going through so much guilt and shame over relapsing right now. I really feel for her and her situation.
7th-Feb-2009 03:32 pm(no subject)

I'm so happy I've found the old me. I can't even explain how proud I felt reading this and knowing for certain that it wasn't about me.
I hope someday you can find the old you. I liked that person.

25th-Oct-2008 03:10 pm - more gushy stuff
KH Love
I know I know I keep talking about this, but it's all I can think about...

I'm falling head over heels for Thomas... I like him more and more every day.

It baffles me at how well he treats me. He's so gentle and always makes sure I'm comfortable with him. And he makes me laugh (which is a HUGE thing for me... a guy has got to have a sense of humor). He makes me feel beautiful. I feel SAFE with him. Unbelievably safe.

I never thought I would have this. I didn't think it was POSSIBLE that this could happen to me. It makes me smile just thinking about him.
20th-Sep-2008 03:46 pm - Kierkegaard and the Feminists
To Learn

essius  especially, I'm interested in what you think of my senior seminar paper topic.

I'm thinking about investigating Kierkegaardian subjectivity and feminist epistemologies views on the subject, comparing (or contasting) them to see if there is any room for a synthesis.

This paper is still WAY in the working process, and I have no idea if I'll be able to actually DO it (let alone set aside the time I'd need to research it), which is why I need opinions.

The rationale behind the paper is that I'm already doing a TON of research on feminist epistemology for my independent study, philosophy honors thesis, and writing sample. Also, I'm always looking for a chance to read more kierkegaard.

I spoke with my professor about it and he thinks the paper sounds intriguing, but has no idea what I'm going to come up with so I'm really out on my own here.


p.s. can I tell everyone how much I HATE my biology class? Seriously.
15th-Sep-2008 11:09 pm(no subject)
will i heal
the date:

Had a GREAT time. Laughed insanely hard for hours. Went out to dinner. He told me he doesn't want a relationship right now. Still going to be friends.


weighed myself. my weight hasn't budged even a pound. I don't eat more than 1500 cals a day. I'm technically overweight now. I hate myself.


Started crying at the stepUP circle meeting today. Everyone was awesome. So many people gave me hugs and consoled me. I talked to another girl who is in recovery from an ED and she made me feel a lot better. but I still feel kind of like shit.
17th-Jul-2008 05:43 pm - Sister Time
I had a therapy session today with my sister. The goal was to have her tell me how the past 8 years have affected her.

It was a really difficult session. I don't remember everything that was said, but the hardest part for me to hear was when my sister said, "I want to be able to support you and to think that you're saying you're sorry means this isn't going to happen again, but I just can't believe that."

I'm not turning it inward and feeling guilty about the past, but that really stung. I guess I understand because this has been hard for her too. In her words, her life was hell with everything that was going on with me.

She started out the session by telling how everything started for her. She was in my room when she was 11 or 12 with a bunch of friends and she found a suicide note and a knife... she has spent the next 9 years worried that I was going to kill myself or disappear.

This has been especially hard for me to hear because I've been re-reading my old journal and typing it up and it is FULL of "I hate myself" "I want to die" and "I don't want to live anymore."

I guess I never realized how much that mentality affected her as well. I didn't even remember her finding the note and the knife.

The only thing I can do now is to show that I truly am sorry by living my life in a better way and not letting things go bad again. I know that for sure. And I'm going to do it, if not for anything else but for my sister.
17th-Jul-2008 12:47 pm - ugh.
Half way
I had a slip up last night and binged. I felt AWFUL about it, but I didn't purge.

Instead I talked to Amy, talked to Patrice (my counselor), and talked to my sponsor.

They made me feel a lot better, but I still feel crappy about having binged.

I just have to remind myself that it's ok. I just need to let it go and get on with my life. A slip doesn't mean that I have to fall.

I didn't let it affect my eating today (thus far).

I need to focus on the fact that I DIDN'T give into urges and purge. That's a huge accomplishment in itself.
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